Deathbypink's Journals

i'm back

i'm back from camp. i always get so excited to go to camp but then when i get there it's like "oh, there's a reason it's called rock hill." why does it have to be literal. there are lots of rocks and even more hills. i remember one year ali said "why can it be flat valley camp instead?" a lot of camp names aren't very creating their just literal, like rocky brook. at rocky brook there are lots of rocks and there's a brook even though it's at the bottom of this insane ravine. i went to buckskin and honestly i'm not so sure i want to know if that literal considering it's all guys. i'm sure if summit base is literal or not but their slogan 'choose your pleasure' is and it's also a bit suggestive. i can't believe that long lasting relationship actually developed there. it's such a sketchy place. i might go back to camp this summer for the last two weeks because then i'll get to be with audrey & bridget.

sadness

hey people so i'm going away to camp on sunday for life guard training and well when i go there i feel kind of alone. everyone loves mail, it's what we live for at camp. campers, juilettes, junior staff, junior counselors, C.I.T.s, counselors, we live for those care packages and mail, it makes us feel special. so write to me and i promise i'll write back. so here's the address:

Rock Hill Resident Camp C.I.T. 300 Wixon Pond Road Mahopac, N.Y. 10541

sadness

Rock Hill Resident Camp C.I.T. 300 Wixon Pond Road Mahopac, N.Y. 10541

Summer!!!!!!!!!

i can believe summer is here. i love love love summer. so many good things about summer. i'll make a list.

1.beach

2. pool

3.rhc

4.my crazy friends

5.lake

6.life guarding

just a thought

tonight the air is cool and crisp. this night reminds me of the chilly summer nights at camp. sitting down by lake writing in my journal, deep in thought. it's you, your the one i can't get out of my mind. crawling into bed around one a.m., it's an early night. my tent mates, the girls i've grown up with, still conversing about the lovers that they've left behind in their boring hometown to pine for them. i lay on my bed silently because i'm unable to contribute to this conversation. it is something out of crappy teen novel, where girls gossip about 'lover's bliss'. it makes want to be sick. as the noise dies down, a chilly wind passes through the tent it seems to quiet the voices. finally. sleep. the thing i have waited twelve months for. waking in the middle of the night i hear the music i fell asleep to,the music that reminds me of you. i lay their crying because i can't hep but think of you. i can't help but think of how right now, i'm so far away from you. i can't help but think that in a few short weeks, i can come home be with you. but that was just wishful thinking. then i think of how you still belong to her and not me. but tonight is tonight and i'm not alone at camp in the confines of my bug netting, but here in my room. and for the first time i can't help but think tonight you belong to no one and that maybe this summer you can belong to me.

couldn't hate you if i tried

i want nothing more than to hate you and not care anymore but i couldn't if i tried. boys really suck like super suck. the ones that really suck, like majorly (not a word i know) suck,are the ones that are sweet,the ones that whisper in your ear, make you laugh, make you giggle(even though you laugh at girls like that)make you smile, seem sincere, tell you everything you want to hear, but turns out they are leading you on so they can crush, just for fun. just to have a good laugh. just to know that they have power. just to make them feel good about themselves. guys like that should be careful not all the girls you hurt are the same, not everyone reacts the same. some get even. some are self- destructive. some feel numb. i don't feel any of those. the only thing i feel is stupid for ever believing you.

untitled

Standing there afraid of being betrayed. Afraid of being in love, the thing so many claim to be so torturous. Love only seems to be a thing in movies and dreams. Lingering on his every word. The words that say â�˜I love youâ�™. Words arenâ�™t always what they seem. His voice sounds truthful and sincere. But he canâ�™t control the words that come out. The words are slurred and stuttered. She gives in surrendering to his words. Returning the gesture. Giving up. Letting herself fall in love. Giving into love. Rather than wondering about what could have been.

Just Like Air

Itâ�™s like Iâ�™m invisible to you. Iâ�™m standing right in front of you, babe. And yet you donâ�™t see me. What do I have to do to get your attention, again? Maybe if I scream at the top of my lungs. What can I do to make you see me instead of through me? Maybe I could call out your name loud enough for everyone to hear. Why canâ�™t you hear my voice? Why canâ�™t you feel my touch? Why canâ�™t you see me? Why canâ�™t you love me? Iâ�™m standing right in front of you, jumping and screaming but you canâ�™t see me. Physically Iâ�™m still here but you just ignore me. You make me feel like the air you breath, not visible but always there, always taken for granted. Sometimes I just wish you could hear me. Sometimes I just wish you could feel me. Sometimes I just wish you could see me. And sometimes I just wish that I was as invisible as you make me feel.

Better Than You(possibly the best thing i've ever written, sadly)

Baby I'm better than you ever deserve I'm better than any thing you could ever get I'm everything that you could ever want and more I'm everything than you'll ever need Sorry babe, but I'm just better I could get better than you I deserve better than you I should want someone better than you I don't want more I don't want better I just want you. Truth is I don't think it gets much better than you.

poor attempt

baby, please stop trying to me jealous but i going out of my head i know that just what you're trying to do but seeing you has me acting like a fool can't think, can't sleep babe, you drive me insane i trying to hate you, it never works i couldn't forget if i tried, and trust me i've tried. Maybe it'd be easier if you were dead